Rebuilding after Affairs - Part 3
Inspired by The Gottman Institute (The Gottman Institute | A research-based approach to relationships) and Esther Perel (Esther Perel - Your Guide to Relational Intelligence), a structured approach to regaining some control of the emotional chaos, is to consider the following three stages of recovery
Atonement
Attunement
Attachment
Let’s make this manageable. When your world feels like it is caving in, too much information can be overwhelming.
Relationship Counselling with
New View Counselling
will help create a safer space for processing. Emotions are explored and supported. To avoid overwhelm, let’s consider one stage at a time. To catch up, click here Rebuilding after Affairs -Part 1 — New View Counselling and Support and Rebuilding After Affairs - Part 2 — New View Counselling and Support
Attachment - Part 3
Building on TRUST – and this travels in both directions. The hurt partner must be honest about their pain recovery. If they are being passive aggressive – this will create loneliness for both people.
Build connection not only through sex but through intimacy. There are several ways to connect without having sex. Your aim is to increase connection, become lost in the presence of your partner and feel safe to let your body lead you.
Emotional Intimacy
(sharing emotions without fear of judgement)
Intellectual Intimacy
(sharing ideas & debating with respect & acceptance)
Spiritual Intimacy
(discussing how spirituality works and what it means)
Conflict Intimacy
(respectfully and safely negotiating toward resolutions)
Parenting Intimacy
(developing shared ways to be on the same page)
Aesthetic Intimacy
(sharing delight in music, environment, art, culture)
Play Intimacy
(having fun and really relaxing)
Crisis Intimacy
(standing together in crisis to solve problems)
Have daily conversations, big and small. Knowing each other’s world will help you embracing and appreciate intimacy with your partner.
Vulnerability is defined as:
‘being exposed to the possibility of being harmed physically or emotionally’.
Invite Vulnerability – If it is met with “No, not now” check in to ensure trust is building and accept the other person may not be healing as fast as you. Take in turns to extend the invitation.
Both of you must be ready for physical intimacy and it must be pleasurable for both to start again.
Have fun and be lighthearted. This is probably on the list of things that attracted you in the first place. Play games without an expectation at the end of it - this helps build trust.
