Rebuilding after Affairs - Part 2
Inspired by The Gottman Institute (The Gottman Institute | A research-based approach to relationships) and Esther Perel (Esther Perel - Your Guide to Relational Intelligence), a structured approach to regaining some control of the emotional chaos, is to consider the following three stages of recovery
Atonement
Attunement
Attachment
To make this manageable, because when your world feels like it is caving in, too much information can be overwhelming,
Relationship Counselling with
New View Counselling
will help create a safer space for processing, where emotions are explored and supported. To avoid overwhelm, let’s consider one stage at a time. The previous blog considered part 1 - Atonement Rebuilding after Affairs -Part 1 — New View Counselling and Support
Attunement - Part 2
Attunement is the reactiveness we have to another person. It is the process by which we form relationships.
Dr. Dan Siegel says, "When we attune with others, we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of “feeling felt” that emerges in close relationships. (What is Attunement? - Momentous Institute)
The focus in this stage is on building the new relationship – starting marriage #2 – moving forward with clarity and hope, if you want a new marriage with the same person.
The new marriage can be better and richer, not because of the affair but because of the learning and sharing during the work being done in Relationship Counselling with New View Counselling.
What happens during this stage of recovery?
Acknowledge what is and what was not working.
Work together authentically to create strategy to change and to get each person’s needs met.
Respect (rather than challenge) your partners inner world.
Check in and ask open questions (without assuming or accusing, ie. “You look angry, what is wrong?”)
Notice and apologise for passive aggressive behaviours – the 4 Horseman – this may indicate emotional flooding and overwhelming feelings can cause loss of control. Perhaps you are still in the atonement stage if this is happening?
Don’t judge the entire relationship on the affair – does this really become bigger than everything else – it is not the ultimate truth of your relationship.
Explore your emotional dowry – fears, anticipations, expectations, wounds, strengths. Take note and express your challenges to know what changes to map.
1. When do you feel most free in your relationship?
2. What are the dominant messages you grew up with about boys & girls/men & women?
Invite Vulnerability through deeper conversations – accept that an invitation could be rejected with “No, not now.”
Vulnerability grows out of closeness and trust
Vulnerability is defined as: ‘being exposed to the possibility of being harmed physically or emotionally’.
Share by listening and learning – rather than being a problem solver – get out of your head and into your heart. Listen to understand rather than solve. This helps accept new information to rebuild and use toward recommitment.
Share vulnerabilities to build connection and trust to reduce one person feeling alone and invisible. Open up about deeper thoughts and feelings and desires.
