Rebuilding after Affairs - Part 1
Inspired by The Gottman Institute (The Gottman Institute | A research-based approach to relationships) and Esther Perel (Esther Perel - Your Guide to Relational Intelligence), a structured approach to regaining some control of the emotional chaos, is to consider the following three stages of recovery
Atonement
Attunement
Attachment
To make this manageable, because when your world feels like it is caving in, too much information can be overwhelming,
Relationship Counselling with New View Counselling
will help create a safer space for processing, where emotions are explored and supported. To avoid overwhelm, let’s consider one stage at a time.
Atonement - Part 1
Definition: The action of making amends for a wrongdoing or injury.
What happens during this early stage of recovery?
Allow space for both of you to express all emotions. This is working through emotions like anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, shame, guilt.
Expect there will be waves of triggers and pain for the hurt partner – this will subside if there is acceptance of responsibility and apology from the other partner.
The one who had the affair should accept responsibility by remaining non defensive (avoid blame, making excuses, or retaliate). Agree to NOT use the 4 Horseman (Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Criticism, Contempt (see Contempt Is Dangerous in Relationship Conflict — New View Counselling and Support) – These traits give the issue more power and pain, instead of promoting healing.
Trust can be rebuilt by being an open book – both of you are encouraged to be honest, authentic and vulnerable – the partner who is trying to trust again is invited to be open to forgiveness and be patient by accepting and noticing attempts and efforts of the other to change.
The partner who went outside the marriage should answer all questions honestly to reduce anxiety, and fears, or leaving the partner in pain to ‘fill the gaps’ – this will promote healing. Although consider the details you request, avoid retraumatizing and becoming stuck in your pain.
A previous sense of safety and stability has disappeared – work slowly to avoid emotional flooding, nightmares, flashbacks or retraumatizing.
Emotional wellbeing has been heavily threatened. This is a tight rope, needing careful steps and balance and relationship counselling is advised as this is a difficult stage often requiring skills we have not needed before.
Forgiveness work can start with learning how to listen, learning how to apologise and learning how to understand each other (and this will take time).
If one is still angry, they still hold a flame, they are still fighting for you – to the other: stand up and deal with it! Fighting back adds fuel to this fire, instead do what you can to create warmth, light and comfort.
Please don’t do this alone. Reach out for Relationship Counselling with New View Counselling in Buderim. The way you recover could create your new marriage to the same person but better this time with clearer boundaries, safer communication and connected values.
Next blog - Attunement
