If you are having a dream that you are screaming so loud in someone’s face to the point no noise comes out… while I’m no dream expert we can be confident to get curious about why you have to say and why you think screaming will make them listen.

The purpose of anger is to be heard, not ignored, to create such a scene it causes a reaction in the other person. It can also be a way of expressing your frustration at a mistake (this could be, regret that you made the wrong choice or disappointment someone else made a choice you do not agree with).

Express your point in a way that people want to listen.

Express your point to the correct people, the ones who can handle and act on your concerns

Express your point to close the loop. This might mean you let it go as change does not occur, but it also means you have done what you could, in the right way and now you do not need to carry it.

If considering giving compassion to, or thinking about, someone who has upset you, creates emotional sadness, frustration or even guilt (that you should if you are a ‘good person’) then don’t!

Compassion is the action taken to express empathy and understanding for someone else’s position or pain.

Maybe you are not ready, maybe they will abuse you again, maybe they will reject it – save your energy!

If you see a pattern or feel bullied into feeling and acting a certain way to get connection and intimacy… this is coercive control!

Instead, empathy will help you understand them and let them go.

Maybe that’s all you need now and forever. No action needed, no broken boundaries.

Deal with anger earlier, stay with it longer, respond FROM IT instead of reacting OUT of IT.

1. Notice what is happening in your body without reacting to it.

2. Even though it is uncomfortable, stay engaged in the moment.

3. Don’t rush to respond, pause, take a few breaths.

4. Acknowledge what is said without defending or explaining. See and hear her.

5. Take ownership where it is real - small over perfect is better than none.

6. Next, provide information not a counter attack. Let her know what happens for you when the pressure builds and why it is difficult.

7. Lead the conversation toward how you can both apologise and what you can both do differently.

8. You do not need to win the conversation, you just need to stay longer.

1. Understand how your identity was shaped.

2. Train the nervous system to stay present and safe when under pressure or threatened.

3. Process the past through the body and the brain.

4. Apply your reclaimed clarity into today and tomorrow.

Recalibrate YOUR nervous system and BUILD YOUR CAPACITY first. This is PERSONAL REGULATION

1. When you feel overwhelmed state 3 things

i. I can feel this in [where in your body]

ii. I need to take a break to do [whatever works]

iii. Let’s come back in [x] minutes, or talk again at [x]pm.

2. Do the work to get your nervous system calm - don’t just switch it of and distract yourself.

3. Reconnect as a couple and co-regulate (breathe, touch, hold, give appreciation and acceptance to each other).

4. Speak your truth (be honest).

If you both feel SAFE, HEARD, and UNDERSTOOD - the issue can be closed.

If not, this process needs another attempt. It is ok, to revisit it again.

It may not be about one event. It’s possibly about the buildup of suspicion or realisation and loss of safety and loyalty (being put first). That’s why when you say, “Sorry, it didn’t mean anything”, to her it needs acknowledgement of all the little steps prior to the betrayal, not just the moment you made the wrong decision.

It is not about words, it is about your actions increasing safety. The nervous system is only calm when it feels safe.

If you intellectualise with only words, without a calmness and softness in your body (a felt sense), she will feel rigidity and coldness and not feel safety from you, around you or within you.

Document your evidence at the time – before you forget. Keep this document live (digital) so you can always add to it and reorganise it chronologically.

This is NOT journalling – this is factual evidence construction.

Make sure it is not in a shared app or device.

Use the pattern you have noticed as evidence to reinforce your boundaries – some people need more evidence than others to see the truth or notice the pattern, especially when you really want this person to be the person you love.

If you have discussed, asked for change, waited but wasted time, ask if this person is

[1] capable of change – and some personality disorders may make this hard and

[2] are they motivated to change? Stability (of mind) and motivation needs to coocur before they value something not because you tell them to value it.

Who do you think can handle your story… without matching or comparing their own might surprise you.

Not everyone has the capacity to support you, especially if they have not chosen you to confide in about their own current challenges.

Be clear about what you need from the people you choose, and it is ok to need something from one but not another.

Lived experience is not always the best connector. Be aware of how you feel when you leave their conversation, are you clearer, inspired and motivated or retraumatized, burdened or disheartened?

Consider how you sound – are you being respectful to yourself and others?

They have all the signs of a narcissist. They have ADHD. They are a trauma survivor. You have an anxious attachment style. You want to be empowered. You are grieving and have needs. You are tired and burnt out – acknowledging this is only half the job. What are you going to do about it?

If it’s a ‘them’ issue – what are they doing about it to educate and understand themselves, adjust, and maintain equality within a relationship (this means NOT expecting permissions or unfair tolerances).

If it’s a ‘you’ issue – what are you doing about it to educate and understand yourself, adjust, and maintain equality within a relationship (this means NOT expecting permissions or unfair tolerances).

If one person is doing all the work, then the label will be the making of the break when it does not have to be, or maybe it should be if one person is not doing the work.