Contempt in court is challenged – that is how bad it is!
According to researchers at ‘The Gottman Institute’, contempt is often the worst of the four danger zones in relationship conflict.
A judge can levy sanctions such as a penalty or prison for someone found guilty of contempt of court.
In a courtroom if someone shows defiance, or disrespect or is not following procedure, perhaps because they believe they are superior, they will be warned and there will be a consequence because an outcome can not progress if it is to continue. While you are not a judge and you may not be in court (yet), the road block to respectful resolution is real and Gottman suggests it is a predictor of divorce.
What does it sound like?
“You do not even have the ability to cope with a day a work, then need time out to chill with a childish video game, do you need your blanky as well? Would you like me to serve you like the king you think you are? Don’t be such a baby, I’ve worked all day too”
“What is your problem with me going out with the boys, frightened I might like them more than you? Seriously, you do this every time. Perhaps it is you that needs fixing.”
[1] Disrespectful and insulting humour and sarcasm
[2] Teasing, name calling, and mockery
[3] Hurtful body language (head shaking, eye rolling, commenting under your breath, etc.)
Contempt displays disgust and superiority and can really damage the recipient, so much so, colds and flu are more frequent – this is the bodies reaction to stress and not feeling safe.
What to do about it?
[1] Invite conversation to increase understanding
[2] Acknowledge triggers and current issues
[3] Maintain respect and safety
The person using it needs to attend to the other with respect and love, appreciation, and acceptance. Perhaps acknowledge for themselves why they are responding this way – what is really going on for them and why they feel the need to isolate themselves and disconnect from their partner, because this is what it is doing, increasing loneliness for both parties. Finding time to have a respectful, well-paced conversation about concerns or fears will help the other understand you better.
The person receiving it needs to participate in the conversation and be able to express their feelings about how they are being treated and what they want to be different. Be firm with boundaries, and do not accept being disrespected, put down or treated with little equality. Understanding what is not working and finding solutions is what adults do who respect each other do.
When this proves difficult or unsafe, seek support through relationship counselling. You are both important and deserve respect and understanding. Left alone, if it breaks your relationship, you could behave the same way in the next relationship – either unfairly dishing it or unable to deal with it. Click below to create change, you deserve it.
