Criticism is a communication problem, not your personal problem.
The third of the four danger zones in relationship conflict is Criticism.
Criticism sounds like…
Blaming or attacking or highlighting YOU and not the actual issue (which would make it a complaint). Your personality is attacked with the use of words like ‘always’ and ‘never’. When hearing this from someone who is supposed to love you, is it possible to think in that moment ‘This has been a complaint they have been unable to express respectfully before now – this is their communication problem?’
Criticism feels like…
When being criticised, it is ever easy to do the above in the heat of the moment when you are hurt, insulted or feeling the need to defend yourself. Instead, you start to question, ‘I am not good enough’ and ‘I need to try harder’ and ‘I have let them down… again’. See the damage this is doing? It diminishes confidence in and if there isn’t conflict at the time, the criticised will more than likely think about the hurtful comments again and again. Often, criticism will start the ball rolling for defensiveness and stonewalling (see part one and two blogs). If this is what happens for you and this feels like a no win situation, you both could benefit form support through new ways to communicate with love and respect.
Every relationship should include safety to express and be vulnerable (to share your concern or irritation). The issue that triggered the personal criticism is one that should be raised as it appears – not stored up until frustration becomes too big to maintain communication respect and clarity of thought. The difference here is how do you respectfully raise a complaint?
“The towels stink! You never wash them properly or you always put them away not completely dry, why do you always get this wrong?” = criticism (actually a triple barrel).
“These towels smell musty after only one use. It’s tricky at this time of year to get them completely dry. Should we finish drying them off in the dryer?” = complaint (which acknowledges the problem is caused by the weather and invites negotiation to solve the problem).
How to Avoid Criticism and Instead Use Curiosity
To achieve this approach we might need to ‘slow down, soothe more and build love bridges’ – slow down before you respond with criticism, instead change it to curiosity by asking what was going on during the day and did they feel rushed or busy (ie, towels off the line too late, worried about power use from the dryer – soothe these challenges) and invite negotiation while solving a problem together - this makes you a stronger team.
