When to be patient and when to notice you are being stonewalled.
How hard is it for you to wait… in line, for news, for dinner…. and for your partner? Giving someone space to process is often difficult, especially when it proceeds an argument, or it happens regularly. Are you the type that needs an answer, or needs a resolution before you can let go of an issue?
The Gottman Institute identify the 4 danger zones of relationship conflict as
[1] Defensiveness
[2] Criticism
[3] Contempt
[4] Stonewalling
Stonewalling is under the spotlight
in the first of a four part challenge.
Some people may need to stonewall while they cool down, while they think, while they reflect, or while they consider how to repair the conflict. If this is the case, it is not stonewalling, especially if when your partner explains they need space and will return to you to conclude and repair. Stonewalling is cold, dismissive, ignoring, adds hurt, rejects the other person and may feel like each time it happens there is an extra brick added to the wall and it is becoming a barrier impossible to climb or break through.
At times are you so angry you need more time and then eventually you just move on and get sick of fighting? Does it sometimes feel impossible to come up with the answers for what to do differently because your attempt to repair is met with more attack or creates additional defence?
Through relationship counselling, breaking this pattern is possible. Being able to identify your triggers, the signs in your body when you are feeling elevated and finding the words to ask for time out to cool down, think, reflect and contemplate a repair approach is a game changer and you will wonder why they didn’t teach you this in pre-marriage counselling, or before you had your first teenage relationship, or to resolve sibling arguments. Maybe the cycle and pattern you live out is all you have ever known, your parents didn’t know this either? This is not a ‘blame game’, learning these skills can be a ‘game changer’.
The best relationships are not conflict free!
The best relationships are not conflict free! The best relationships do conflict carefully and with compassion! Our interests and passions, preferences and priorities are bound to change and at times will vary from our partner. If learning to express and identify your emotional needs is where you need support, send me a message or click the booking button to come in together and have a chat, it may only take 2, 3, or 4 sessions. When you practice your new knowledge at home, I’m confident, it is a game changer.
