When defensiveness is a counter attack and not protection.
The second of the four danger zones in relationship conflict is Defensiveness.
Ever argued with someone who always has an answer? Or someone who always turns and issue you raised around onto you?
Defensiveness can cause the cycle of conflict to generate momentum and it might feel like you are getting nowhere. Different to stonewalling because this trait will display a verbal response. Ever try to sort something out and your partner has an answer they truly believe is acceptable, righteous even? Or they emphasise how hard done by they are, or find a reason for the problem (of which deflects personal responsibility and blames you or others) and illustrates how much of a victim they are – this is defensiveness!
Partner 1: I can’t believe you forgot the bins, we do it every week! (And we will challenge this statement [contempt] in the next blog).
Defensive Partner 2: Well, if you didn’t give me so many jobs and extra responsibilities, maybe I would have time!
The challenge here is, what if someone is being defensive because they need to be? They feel they do not have a choice, they are being accused of things they did not do or did not think and saying nothing feels like being a door mat? On the one hand, we are all encouraged to speak our truth and speak up when wronged – ‘be empowered’ we say, and I said it in an earlier post ‘Be Brave’, but on the other hand it can sound like a counter attack when we only respond to the words and not recognise the message.
Why We Become STUCK.
This is when it can cause a couple to feel ‘stuck’ and nothing gets resolved, one accuses the other of being defensive, but the defensive person may believe they need protection and builds a wall the only way they know how. Learning the respectful way to communicate and how to acknowledge your ‘part’ in an issue can happen supportively through relationship counselling.
My wish is that the Gottman approach was not only accessed by therapists but was more often public knowledge, because it truly has the ability to change the way we communicate. In addition, understanding attachment patterns simmered with emotion focused therapy also helps us identify the pattern you adopt within yourself. These concepts are often too foreign (especially if your parents were in constant conflict) or it could be overwhelming to be expected to be self taught. This is why you come and see me. I will share my knowledge and assist you and your partner to explore and apply a brand new way of communicating.
