Just calm down!
Have you ever told yourself “Just calm down, being over emotional will not help” then ignored your own message because your own message makes you more emotional – and heaven help anyone else who tells you to “Just calm down”. Does it ever feel like your emotions are consuming? Without adequate acceptance and understanding, emotions can create all manner of discomforts; physically, psychologically, relationally and spiritually.
Emotions are just a part of you, they are not who you are.
Imagine if you could step outside of yourself for a moment and see your emotions for what they really are (just a part of you reacting to something or someone else)? Would their intent become clearer? Would you be able to show compassion for the emotion as if it were someone you cared about? Would you be able to soothe it?
The tip of the emotional iceberg is all we see, it is what’s underneath that needs exploring.
It takes practice and sometimes we feel like a mad scientist doing an experiment, but together we could explore how to do this. When practiced with your partner, you can learn to support each other by respectfully identifying the signs of emotional overload, finding ways to express emotional fears and frustrations and recovering to a base line level of self-compassion and acceptance of warmth and repair with others.
Imagine being in manual mode and choosing your emotions, actions and mannerisms.
During conflict cycles we often play out specific roles and believe it or not, you have probably had the same role for many years and become automatic at expressing your lines (possibly a sarcastic response), your actions (possibly removing yourself from the room or following someone trying to remove themselves from the room) and even your mannerisms may be so automatic you do not realise you do them (a subtle head shake or ability to ignore someone’s presence). An actor in a movie requires make up, a director and rehearsal – not us, we do not even need to give it a thought – the pattern is automatic and predictable every time.
You deserve respectful, attentive and intentional communication.
Ironically, it is this ‘automatic mode’ that causes the feeling of being stuck. Counselling can help identify where and why we become stuck and how to move through the trigger or the fear getting in the way of respectful, attentive and intentional listening. Partner work is an exploration of new patterns of communication, expression of emotion and opportunity to reconnect. I invite you to nurture the love and connection you deserve.
