How to have Big Conversations
How do you approach a BIG Conversation? You know you are nervous, and you know your partner is going to be triggered or fire up quickly. Which of the following do you already know?
Set a time: Choose a time when both of you are well-rested and not in a hurry. If you are already elevated, forget it, respect each other and pick a different time or take a break. Timing should not be when you are in the repair stage of an argument - repair first and recover. Giving your partner time to prepare their thoughts may help them settle but respectfully avoid worrying them, if they have anxiety.
Pick a place: Find a place where you and your partner can have a focused conversation without distractions. If you can talk (and sit) comfortably, in private, you may be more motivated to stay there longer. A public place may help you keep emotional control but may also cause one of you to hold back for fear of embarrassment and vulnerability.
Use a gentle start up: Start with a question or share a thought then ask for opinion.
“I’ve been thinking about this, and I’m really interested in your opinion.”
“Your opinion and thoughts are important to me, and I want to hear them, but can I share what I have been thinking about?”
“We do not have to have a definite decision now but let’s start thinking aloud about…”
Be honest and open: It's important to be honest and open about your thoughts and feelings. Share your perspective and listen to your partner's perspective without judgment. Be willing to compromise and find common ground. When you agree just to keep the peace and dismiss your own values, you are actually in a threat response. When in a threat response, your emotional brain is engaged, and your clever brain is in the background.
Avoid blaming or criticising: It's important to avoid blaming or criticising your partner. Instead, focus on expressing your feelings and concerns in a constructive way. Use "I" statements to describe how you feel and avoid using "you" statements that can be interpreted as accusatory. Your aim is to better understand their opinion, not challenge or judge it. My clients know to try [1] I feel… [2] I understand… [3] I need…
Take breaks when necessary: If the conversation becomes too emotional or overwhelming, it's important and respectful to take a break and come back to the topic later. This only works when you agree to come back and set a time to do so. Take some time to cool down and gather your thoughts before continuing the conversation.
Seek professional help if necessary: If you and your partner are struggling to have these conversations, it may be helpful to seek professional support from a Relationship Counsellor. A neutral third party can help facilitate the conversation and provide guidance on how to communicate effectively.
There are times when the conversation might go wrong, especially if it starts badly. Relationship Counselling can help you identify the part to work on. It is like learning a new skill and takes practice. It is also ok to be emotional. Every emotion has a purpose. For example, the purpose of anger can be about the importance you hold in being heard. The following 3 tips touch on the deeper needs of sensitive conversations and how to have them.
