7 Indicators Trust is Respected and Love is Protected
We become vulnerable to another when we share our love - we TRUST our partner will keep our love safe and respected. When trust is broken, it is often so hard to recover because to regain trust, we have to again, be vulnerable to allow trust to be regained. Relationship counselling supports you through one step at a time - no matter which side of the fence you are on - the side with the broken home, broken heart and broken trust, or the side with the mistake that you wish you never made, the realisation that what you had was all you needed or the side with the regret that you never spoke up about what you were missing.
TRUST is just one of the challenges FIFO partners face. Often we are apart, more than we are together and always when apart, we live very different lives. If you think about it too much in those quiet moments alone and become curious, this can create a slippery slope, either trust is doubted or signs of reasons not to trust, start to become obvious.
How do you reassure each other your love is safe and respected and how do you know your partner is respecting your love? Inspired by Brené Brown, we will consider 7 behaviours that help you feel safer that your partner is trustworthy with your precious love. If any of these cause concern relationship counselling can help.
[1] Boundaries
Discussion about boundaries is not about giving an ultimatum. Discussion to establish boundaries is about both of you contributing and negotiating and considering what is reasonable, respectful, achievable, and honourable.
Boundaries are respected and if one of you is tempted, firstly there is acknowledgement of the temptation to yourself, and secondly, there is discussion about what is missing in your relationship that causes the curiosity and exploration in other spaces. These are difficult conversations and marriage counselling can support you achieve understanding.
[2] Reliability
Reconsider boundaries – acknowledge what is missing for you to step over the line and look for something else. Did someone agree to a boundary that was unachievable – was this an honest conversation when boundaries were being negotiated or have things changed? If you are reliable, you would revisit these issues through respectful conversation. Otherwise, it is simple: Do what you say you will, and if you say you won’t, you don’t. Be reliable and honest with your word.
“After an affair, when there has been accountability of what went wrong, there is opportunity to start the marriage over, differently, and better than before”
[3] Accountability
No-one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Owning up to them is what can increase connection rather than create damnation. Consider what is a deal breaker and what is an opportunity to learn from and grow. Esther Perel suggests after an affair, when there has been accountability of what went wrong, there is opportunity to start the marriage over, differently, and better than before. To trust someone will be honest, we will witness them owning mistakes, apologising with sincerity, and making amends.
[4] Privacy is Respected
If your partner is ‘confiding’ in another and searching for understanding or a listening ear, something is missing in your relationship. In friendships, you will see evidence of how someone can maintain confidentiality – do they talk about other peoples’ secrets? If so, this person is not trustworthy. With your partner you share your most intimate secrets. Your relationship issues are between the two of you – no one else.
[5] Integrity
Choosing to be courageous and moral rather than seeking instant comfort, fun or gratification is living with integrity. If your partner says they value something, this is what guides their ultimate decisions – values are not just words.
Considering the way you and your partner live and have discussions about values and consequences (boundaries) creates awareness of the relationship path you are on – are you on the same path? To live with integrity, we need to know what we value.
[6] Openness without Judgement
Trusting your partner will listen may be determined by how you raise an issue, but you should feel confident and safe to discuss your concerns. A tough conversation should be approached with gentle sensitivity (avoiding criticism, blame and contempt and causing stonewalling or defensiveness). See previous blog on defensiveness When defensiveness is a counter attack and not about protection. — New View Counselling and Support
Openness allows opportunity to ask for something more, something less, or something different. This conversation is received, is listened to, and understood.
[7] Generosity
Trust the intentions, and the words of your partner and reflect upon their actions – are they in alignment, do they match? Give them a chance to be trusted? At the same time, trust your instincts and then act on them without accusation or aggression – be curious to create honesty, (people generally lie when they fear the reaction of another). Give trust where it is worthy, while also honouring your own concerns and instincts. So do not rush. If trust is being repaired, your discomfort is your vulnerability needing reassurance that your precious love will be respected and protected.
If this article has raised concerns or flags for you, and relationship counselling would help you safely discuss your concerns, please connect.
