Working Mothers - You’ve got this!
The following is the presentation I did for the hard-working business mums on July 7th, 2023, at Foxy on Coolum. I appreciated the opportunity to share some of the knowledge and support I offer my clients. You all inspire me, and if you are reading this, please believe me, you are amazing!
Who am I – in no priority I am:
A wife to Justin, who is a FIFO employee out of Darwin.
I’m a mother of a 22 Boy, and a 20 year old Girl, both of which are amazing young adults.
I’m a Relationship Counsellor and have my own private practice called New View Counselling in Buderim.
When I was a Counselling student, and I was feeling my most motivated,
I visualised speaking one day on a TED stage.
At that point, I didn’t know exactly what I’d say, but I knew I was learning new information that the world needed to know.
I also visualised a penthouse at Alex Beach,
My clients would come for appointments because 1 of the 6 bedrooms would be perfect for a therapy room, we could also drink wine and eat nibbles on the balcony overlooking the ocean while counselling the world problems away.
My supervisor at the time did say,
“Janet, that’s not ethical to serve alcohol while counselling and you can’t make people pay to be your friend!”
Little did she know,
I would be on stage one day.
We would be sharing and solving problems (while there is a sneaky wine just over there).
And I’d be surrounded by new friends.
The fact you are all here today, gives me comfort.
Don’t get me wrong, me heart is still pounding but
It is also warm with connection and enthusiasm.
Today you will hopefully make new connections in business or new friends in life, but
I’m hoping you are as enthusiastic as me to leave here knowing you are supported, understood, inspired and maybe, even part of a new tribe.
So what makes me special, why am I behind the mic?
Well, I’m an Aries, so I’ve always got something to say.
I used to be a teacher so I’m always looking for people to listen, but mostly.
I’m a Counsellor and my TED Talk today is to encourage you all to
[1] Believe in yourself
[2] Reassess guilt and
[3] See mistakes as simply a reminder – you are human, and mistakes are how we learn.
We say this to our kids all the time, so why are we so hard on ourselves?
[1] Believe in Yourself
Has anyone ever experienced Imposter Syndrome?
You train for years, or, and, you have years of experience and
You may have even upskilled with credible qualifications.
Yet some days, you worry that you don’t know enough,
Someone might expose you or you feel you are not as good as everyone else.
This is a normal curiosity and a common fear, but I’d challenge that it needs to be called a syndrome – the label is often harder to shift than the thinking.
I would encourage you on the days you feel like an imposter to reconsider the lens at which you look at yourself.
When you get that sick feeling in your stomach, what if it is actually an instinct, an intuition – as women we have a gift with this one, we just have to learn to trust it.
What if, in that moment you have just found something that could be an opportunity for upskilling, researching, or experimenting.
Bene Brown would say ‘LEAN INTO IT and DIG DEEP’
That sick feeling could be your body serving you well – it’s your nervous system switching because you are about to share or extend your skills. Your body wants your mind to trust yourself and continue to be courageous. Your nervous system is getting ready for amazing action.
When you are not courageous and hold back because you don’t trust yourself, others don’t get to see what you are capable of.
Never underestimate who you are inspiring.
It’s usually someone who you haven’t even noticed but they have noticed you and offer respect and admiration.
[2] Guilt
Let’s look mummy guilt in the eye for a minute or two.
When parenting guilt catches up with me, I make stuff up about not giving my kids enough holidays and wild experiences. I worry, they don’t have any stories to tell their own kids.
My daughter, who is 20, was watching Parental Guidance. Anyone seen it?
She says to me “If you and dad were on that show, your parenting style title would be ‘the adventurous parents’ because we always did cool stuff. Mum, remember the picnics on the river, skiing on the lake and chicken and coleslaw rolls in the boat.”
Reconsider the lens you wear.
We can always do more. We can always do different. But remember, how you experience an event and the meaning you attach to it, might be different for each member of the family. My son possibly would say those times were not as good as falling from the sky as a skydiver or jumping into the water from every bridge in town.
I tell you this because it is a good example of how guilt is often not the right emotion, and we are wasting our energy.
The purpose of guilt is to get you to consider ‘what were your choices and
what would you do differently next time’?
If you don’t have a choice, then don’t feel guilty.
If you are doing what you can for your family,
if you are contributing to an industry you love or have a talent in,
then why feel guilty about that? Embrace it. Be proud of what you are managing.
Feeling guilty about your parenting, may be one of those wasted energy moments when someone much younger than you (your own child), or a friend or a colleague, actually thinks you are amazing.
With all our emotions, we want to notice them and just ask yourself
“Where in my body do I feel this and what am I feeling?”
If we can identify an emotion, just hold it lightly.
You are not your emotion. You are having a reaction to something.
This is when we get curious, if we become aware, we accept and then we act.
If the emotion is a biggie when we consider its purpose. It becomes clearer how to act. For example:
If we are sad (we have lost something we valued), that’s normal and ok. What sadness needs is time & rest.
If we feel regret (we made a mistake), you are learning. What regret needs is perhaps an apology to someone or a different action next time.
If we feel fear or anxiety (because of the unknown approaching), trust your instinct. What anxiety needs is for you to get planning, be in control of what you can. Anxiety wants you to be safe.
[3] Mistakes
Some of the clients I have supported through addiction are sometimes consumed by shame.
When they have had a relapse, they feel defeated, they feel a failure, they focus on the mistake.
I don’t.
I see a relapse as an opportunity to learn. What did we forget to talk about or plan toward?
I encourage people to who get stuck on their mistakes to ask:
“Was the mistake, and the consequential feeling, a reminder of what you value and what is important to you?”
When you come home from work, I hope someone asks you: “How was your day?”
Instead of feeling defeated if you made mistakes, try a reframe.
“Guess what I learned today” or
“Tomorrow is going to be better because one of my values showed up today.”
The mistakes we make, that we need to pay attention to are those within our relationships with our partners, our children and sometimes our families, especially the ones we love and care about and experience the guilt I mentioned earlier.
As a Relationship Counsellor, I see many couples who are stuck.
Stuck making the same mistakes, especially when it comes to conflict.
One of the ways the Gottman Institute suggest to reduce intensity and frequency of conflict is, to have a positive perspective.
Try to change the lens at which you see your partners behaviour. Their mistakes makes them human and maybe they are having one of those days when they need you to help reframe a shitty day.
A fun fact to finish on given the feminine energy in the room today: The Gottman’s suggest,
if a man is not willing to accept influence from his wife, there is an 81% chance of marriage breakdown.
It may come as no surprise, that through out their 12 years study around this, research showed, gay and lesbian couples accept influence from their partners more than straight couples.
I tell you this statistic because your voice is valuable, your opinions are worthy, and your ideas are inspiring.
As working mothers, as businesswomen,
[1] Please believe in yourself, you are here, you have shown up, you are amazing.
[2] Guilt is often the wrong emotion, inappropriately attached to an experience with someone who adores or someone who appreciates you for what you do and have done.
[3] Consider the lens you wear. Your mistakes are part of life and need to happen for us to grow. You are beautiful, thriving humans – and humans make mistakes.
Oh, one last thing,
Today is my TED stage.
I do have a view from my office and
the pub is across the road,
so please keep in touch, I’m here if you need me
